Elisabeth Kübler-Ross grief curve, bereavement, loss, support, children and grief, the roller coaster and cocktail metaphor
In memory of B (2020), you were taken away far too early.
Dealing with grief when mum passed away
After my mum passed away suddenly 5, nearly 6 years ago, I found it hard to focus on the good things in everyday activities. My depression and anxiety surfaced again, especially when the funeral and hospital investigation was closed. Until the funeral and the investigation were in progress, I was kind of on autopilot, flatline, I had tasks to complete, and had a goal. Everything else was monochrome, flatline.
I requested an inquiry of her death due to the suddenness of her passing. I wanted answers; I wanted to see if someone missed something in identifying that she was so poorly. First, I didn't want to accept what just happened. I was in shock, I was confused and felt really, really lost, and alone. I remember the first night alone in the home I grew up in was so hard, just me and the fireplaces and the burning wood. The next day I asked my cousin to drop me at the local swimming pool, I had to do something, I had this anger developing me. I knew the water will switch off my head and take over this anger building in me for days.
Having had the result of the inquiry in my hand, knowing that everybody done everything they could to save her helped a bit to put my mind at rest. The lady in the morgue was really kind but very blunt at the same time. There was no way my mum could have survived cancer. It was practically everywhere, destroyed everything. When launching the inquiry, I was extremely angry and felt lost. I had this concoction of feeling churning in my head and body; I wanted answers, I wanted to blame someone for my loss. This is the thing with grief and loss; when you lose someone, it is hard to come to terms with these losses. It is often easier to try to project these feelings to an external source to find answers. Grief is a very complex and almost always a very emotionally turbulent time. People will experience this in many different ways. When you have to go through loss multiple times, you might find you are facing grief different from before.
When the initial dust settled, I got all the available information. My anger subsided. I felt quite hostile towards people, often had this feeling of jealousy towards others who didn't have to go through the same loss. Then flatline... no tears, no emotions, no nothing. We started to talk about her, the funny stories we remembered, how she was as a person, looked at her comments on Facebook under the photos of my daughter, emails from her...etc. Months later, I began to have this overwhelming feeling of loss again. I struggled with the processing. Once I was able to accept the loss of her, I was able to move on. But this was a long journey, with scary and turbulent emotions.
I am fortunate enough to learn about different things as part of my job as a Leadership trainer, how people are dealing with change. As part of my research, I came across the Grief curve a few years ago that helped me to understand the stages people are going through when facing a change or loss in their life.
The Grief curve
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, investigated the stages individuals are going through once they are diagnosed with a terminal illness. Later she used the same model on individuals griefing for their loved ones as well. Her investigation and research concluded that individuals, no matter if they are going through a terminal illness or the people around them, are going through similar stages of the grief cycle. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross' original work is from 1969, from her book, On Death and Dying.
According to Kübler-Ross, griefing people will go through the following stages;
denial, when the person is in shock when the news is received around the life-changing event.
This is followed by anger and frustration. In this stage, there is a lot of anxiety around this news unknown state. These first two stages are categorised by seeking information and guidance from health professionals. Trying to understand as much as possible, gathering evidence to see if this is really happening, trying to find answers.
The third stage is when the person is trying to bargain. They might struggle to find meaning in everyday life. They might start to reach out to others, connect with old friends, reflect on old memories, and look at social media posts from the past. They might also tell a story about their past and even about what they are going through to help with the processing. In this stage, providing emotional support is really important. Family and friends can support the person to reflect on old memories. If we are looking at a family member who has lost someone, remembering will also help with the processing.
In the depression stage, individuals can feel hostility against others. They might be overwhelmed with the information around their illness or loss. The feeling of being defeated will manifest in a state of helplessness.
The final stage is when the person is accepting what is actually happening to them or, if we are looking at the griefing family members, what has happened. It is helpful if there is an opportunity to provide guidance and direction in this stage, perhaps from the palliative team or following the family members' death, counseling to process. The person might plan for the final play, family members, following the person's passing might start to plan how to move on and live with the new life circumstances.
One thing to highlight; not everybody is going through the change curve at the same speed. Some might revisit some stages multiple times while they are processing the grief.
The passing of B before Christmas
Unfortunately, a couple of days before Christmas, we have received the news that one of our friends lost her battle against cancer. She was a real fighter, such a young mum, full of life, taken away from us way too early. This fight was too big to win.
Of course, we were shocked by the news, and my daughter instantly knew something terrible has happened. There was a question in my head, shall I tell her, shall I let it go, but she might be worried about what's happened if I don't. So, I decided to tell her about B's passing, our children are good friends in school. My daughter asked just one question; how can you live after losing your mum so young because it is so painful. Your mum is your best friend. Fascinating how smart kids are, really. We were sitting at the dinner table, and I gave her a cuddle.
When trying to explain things to Erin, I often use metaphors to understand things easier. This time, I used a roller coaster and a cocktail example. There is a local theme park near us, we went there a few times, but not my favourite place, too noisy, too busy and I hate roller coasters. She loves going on the roller coaster with daddy and when I am dragged on it, she loves seeing the terror on my face. Not very often I can be convinced to do this. I can't tolerate the 'my stomach in my throat' feeling, so try to avoid this at all cost.
As she was sitting on my lap, we talked about the cocktail of emotions we feel when we have lost someone close. This cocktail sometimes will have ingredients that we might not like, such as anger, sadness, helplessness. Other times, it might be lovely with beautiful memories, remembering the fun times and cuddles. The journey of grief is like a roller coaster, a ride for someone who doesn't like roller coasters. When you sit in the little carriage and go up the hill, you anticipate something scary to happen. You have this fear in your tummy before going down on the ride.
This might be when someone tells you the news about what is just happened. You are on the top of the ride, just before it is plummeting down into the deep. You might think it is a magical ride, and we will stay here on the top for a while. We are in denial, like nothing happened (the news is not real). And we are going down..., going down really fast into this scary place, where our previously lovely cocktail suddenly turning into bitter with lots of negative emotions, sadness, and anger.
As we are going down, we are terrified. This journey is unexpected. The landscape around us is new and scary. There are some shadows, but you can also see the top of the ride in front of you in the distance. When we are at the bottom of the ride, we have time to think about the good times, remember the good memories. We can talk with the people next to us because we have some time before going up again. We are having a sip from the sweet cocktail for the moment again. We remembered the good things.
As we go up again, we might feel angry again as we really don't like this roller coaster. We might feel helpless. Everything is happening to us when we don't even want this. We can't get out from the carriage just yet, but soon we are at the top again. It can feel like the shadows from the 'pit' is pulling us back, but also the bright views and the finish line is waiting on the top of the ride. As we are going up in the carriage, we are thinking about the next steps, what we will do in the theme park, where we will go to make new memories. We will remember our loved ones all the time. We are never going to forget about them, but we will be able to build new happy memories with time. Time helps the healing.
My daughter's reaction was; I will sit next to 'I' on the roller coaster to be with her. Kids are amazing.
Rest in peace B. x
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