Part 1: Confidence in general
Confidence, setbacks, influences, support
People often assume that individuals are always confident, they are born with this great gift that they are able to show power, be assertive, and have the ability to influence others.
Confidence is something we build over time, there might be situations when our confidence gets a bit dented by events, by our reactions to individuals’ comments.
There is more to it. Confidence is very much depending on situations, sometimes we are very confident in one situation, whereas, in others, we might not be. Of course, there is more than just confidence to influence others and be assertive, but to be true to yourselves and be a true, authentic leader, you certainly need to find the way to find yourself, your true self. The place where you are comfortable with yourself and not for trying to be confident to please others. If someone is able to achieve this state of being, that is a place of true satisfaction with one’s self.
Confidence is a journey, this journey might take you to the deepest parts of the seabed where you find creatures (feelings), you never knew existed. Touching the most beautiful dolphins, giving you a sense of calm, admiring the ray of sunshine glittering through just on the surface of the water. Facing the fearless sharks, and discovering the most wonderful coral reefs the mind can only imagine, housing millions of tiny creatures, the sea of emotions and feelings are just limitless.
Perhaps the next day, you will visit Mount Kilimanjaro, feeling the fear of falling in the deep, once you climbed up so high, achieved so much, and with a slip, all of these could be lost. Your career journey, a successful presentation when you conquer your fear, you know you are shaking but you are still going. There might be days when the wind and cold knock you on your knees, but it will be your choice to carry on this journey, turn around and choose a different path or give up altogether. You still going, you will reach a peak and that is the point when you can drive your flagpole deep in the snow. You see now how confidence is situational and is something that can be developed.
The most beautiful in this is when you are on the top, you will see other peaks, you might look back on your journey and see others walking your same route and you will be there to help. Perhaps, you sail down because there is something you can see, a crossroad and you are curious to see what is on the other end of the path. True self-actualisation is not something people can achieve, or perhaps can for a split second, there will be always something else, something better or something different to pursue.
Part 2: My confidence journey
Growing up, I was always the ballsy one, the one with the loud voice, the odd one out, the goth, the punk, when all the popular kids were into Franz Ferdinand, I was wearing my Doc Martin, going to old abandoned warehouses to listen to local bands expressing their feeling through music. On the walls were displays of young artists’ artworks, paintings, sculptures.
Magnificent talents, dark souls with desires for creation, beauty. I felt unique, that the world is laying in front of my feet and I can do anything, I can be anything. I found my group, who accepted me for the person I was, I could express my true feelings and accepted others, their distinctive way in the search to find themselves. The passion and love for art were penetrating the wall, the sounds of the different instruments were carried through the damp walls. You could see the colourful lights through the broken windows, the light was jumping from one broken shard of glass piece to another. Wonderful days, years were these.
But everything suddenly changed when I got accepted to do a chemistry degree at a very prestigious university in the capital, away from home.
Chemistry always had a special place in my heart, it was the only thing which kept me going while I was in the hospital at 16, reading the books about science helped me through the hard hospital days for weeks on end, hoping that science will fix my broken body. I will write about this another time.
My mother always wanted me to be a teacher, so is my teacher. Deep down I knew teaching is something I wanted to do, perhaps a calling, but I was easily influenced into a profession with a lucrative career prospect. The first person in my family to have a degree… My father always wanted the best for me, I looked up to him. He was a fantastic person, radiating power, influence, his sheer appearance commanded respect from others. He was strict with a big heart and I loved him dearly.
I always had a funny relationship with failure even from a very young age, if I couldn’t do something, I used to get very angry, just like my daughter. I guess this might stem from, that for my parents only grade A and B were good enough. When I had an occasional C, my grandmother signed my books so I don’t get into trouble at home. Who knows what are the reasons, matters not. I certainly didn’t know much about fixed and growth mindsets back then.
So, the certain chemistry degree. The first biggest failure of my life which I learned so much from. I am sure many more will follow hopefully in my long and long life. I wasn’t ready to leave home, the capital, Budapest seemed a big and scary place to be, I only visited it a handful of times. I had no friends, just a long-term relationship I was in at the time, which had rocky patches, infidelity, lies, responsibility… I liked the idea and the sentiment of chemistry, what it meant to me, but the reality was very different. Long hours in the lab, the other students were prodigies, not like me, just a girl from a city who only been in the capital a few times. I guess the saying is true, people like people who are like them. By now, I was certainly an outcast, a very different personality, but this time, it was a ‘loser’ to be different. I started to fail my subjects, and this failure was affecting my self-image. My self-esteem was shaken to its core, the first time ever in my life. I just couldn’t carry on, I was unhappy, my mental health was suffering terribly.
I was in a dark place, trying to come to terms that I failed. The world was ending around me, at least it felt like that. I let my family down, they invested money into rent a small flat for us, I knew they had to work multiple jobs to finance my venture and provide a comfortable childhood. I had to have my first difficult conversation in my life. I had to face my fears and stand in front of my father and tell him, I let him down, let him know that I am not going back to university and I am ending my relationship with my partner, moving home. I was armed with facts, was trying to put emotion to the side, but his disappointed look cut right through me. I will never forget his face, that day something changed in our relationship. Even today I often reflect on this experience. Was he really disappointed in me or did he feel that he failed me and not gave me the tools to be resilient and have more determination to complete a degree? That is something I will never know.
I was started to believe; I am not good enough… I had a fixed mindset, I was looking at failure as something permanent, something which is defining me. It started to hold me back from making positive changes in my life.
Part 3: The road to recovery – building confidence
It took me months, my journey to recover from the loss of my relationship, my career prospect that I can be someone, something just seemed so distant, impossible. In the beginning, it seemed an unreachable goal to even consider I can have another chance to do a degree or find a proper job.
The crimpling anxiety kept me awake for weeks, I was barely eating, I felt the food was my enemy as well, and the nights were the worse. I was afraid of sleeping; my nightmares were harassing me every night. I was exhausted, my calf muscles were cramping every time I fell asleep. My dear mother was by my bedside for weeks, sleeping in the armchair next to the fireplace, just guarding my sleep and calming when I woke up from my darkest dreams.
I felt guilty as she had to wake up at 4 to catch the first bus and go to work, she barely slept. She was relentless, looking after me every day, my guardian angel, the most wonderful creature on earth. She always had confidence in me, she knew I can do it, I just needed to see it myself as well. After weeks of collecting courage, I looked into a short course, to become a tourist guide. I had to overcome my fears, so I can do the things I wanted to do, I was interested in. I couldn’t let my feelings dictate my future any longer, determine who I really am. When I signed up for the course, I had one thing in my head; ‘do it now, think about the fear later’. Perhaps deep down, I had something else in my head, something really powerful that motivated me; the fear of failure.
This course was my graded exposure, to achieve my goal gradually. My first cornerstone, cheap course, not much to lose, one step closer to rebuilding myself as a whole. This course helped me to secure a translator job later on. I had lots of work to do to overcome my limiting beliefs, a rocky road of self-discovery. I decided 2 years later that I will have another go with a degree, this time Andragogy, but will only do it part-time as being a full-time student wasn’t suiting my lifestyle. My grades were good, so I got a sponsored degree, I didn’t have to pay for my tuition fees. There were minimal cost implications for my family. Lots of sacrifices have gone into this degree, early morning in the weekends to catch the 5 am bus to make the morning sessions at the capital, late arrivals with the last bus from the capital, learning on the bus, often standing for hours on the underground and the bus on the motorway, trying to read the textbooks.
I was determined that I will prove to my father that I can be successful, even when he was still doubting my ability to finish the degree and use it for anything other than the fact, I have a degree. I started to turn my thinking into a growth mindset, looked at setbacks as challenges, as learning points.
Part 4: Techniques for confidence
I drew a poster with all my goals in life I wanted to achieve, put some deadline next to them when I want to achieve them. This was my daily reminder of what I am working so hard for. My visual reminder of my goals, my personal storyboard. As I had something, I created on my wall to look at every morning, helped me to find the motivation to achieve my goals. Some changed over time, others became more important than before, it was something I could work towards. The joy when I completed a stop during my journey gave me deep joy and satisfaction, growing my confidence week by week.
On my journey I had a great support network, I had my emotional blanket, my best friend who was always at the end of the phone when I needed him, meeting Monday evenings in the local art cafe, Marxim for a hot tea and chat about life. My teacher, she is like Earth Mother who listened when I needed to open my heart to someone, she was there. I also listened to her, challenging my perception about myself and others. I remember sitting on her couch, I was about 18 and she is trying to explain to me the circle of control and circle of influence, asking me questions about my degree and relationship failure, trying to lead me to some sort of self-discovery. I won’t forget that day. My mother’s love was always there, got up with me, made me lunch and dinner to take and eat on the bus. And many others, who I am ever grateful for. You need to identify these people around you, who play a big part in your journey.
You also have your inner support crew, picking a different skill, a trait to suit situations, building a toolkit to make you more confident, versatile and resilient. My starting crew members were different individuals and they are evolving with the new situations I face in my life;
• The wild, who doesn’t give a monkey about what people think but enjoys life
• The dreamer, thinking about new opportunities, possibilities, looking into the future and keeping an eye on the past
• The mother, being a mother, even if at times, it looked like an impossible dream
• The writer, creating something long-lasting, meaningful, searching beauty and meaning
• The seducer, influences, passionate, becoming beauty in a physical and intellectual way
• The warrior, standing up for the causes close to my heart
‘The mother’ role had always had a prominent role in my life, becoming a mother was always my dream, but this is another story. ‘The dreamer’ crew member was and probably is the most important member of my existence now. This one is giving me the courage to think about possibilities, look for opportunities, make my dreams a reality. Other crew members helped me through reflections following my parents’ death, their roles were critical in understanding what are the important things in life. It might seem that I am having multiple personalities, I can assure you, I don’t.
I would love to say that now I look at every setback in my life as a reflective opportunity. I am able to look at most of my major life events with reflection, but depending on the mental state, sometimes it can be difficult to see things from an objective angle, removing emotions and building the learning for the future. That is ok, that sometimes we can’t put our emotions to the side, we are only humans. One thing we need to keep in mind is that we mustn’t let our emotions dictate every element of our lives, mustn’t let our feelings of self-doubt determine our future.
As Susan Jeffers says; everybody is afraid, you are not the only one. When people succeed in something, they felt the fear, but did it anyway, achieved what they wanted. Yes, it can be frightening, but which is more frightening, trying and failing, or never trying and living with the debilitating fear and hopelessness? There are no ‘ifs’ or ‘buts’! You can do this.
Photos in order of appearance by Gareth Howden, Unknown artist from Pixabay, Steve Johnson from Pexels, Rodolfo Clix from Pexels and Lehel Mozgai.
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