Coaching, reflection, attitudes, ambition
I found a great coaching exercise from Jones and Gorell 2009. They come up with an exercise called ‘Life events,’ which helps individuals to identify significant life events that affected the choices they make in life. It is a great self-reflection tool that helps identify key moments in our lives and understand their impact.
Something to mention before we go any further, especially if you decide to do this exercise. Going through your life events can trigger feelings, tear up some healed wounds. If you feel this might cause an issue, it might be a good idea to do this with the support of someone you trust and can have a supportive conversation with. This coaching exercise is not a therapy-related activity, and the purpose is not to fix issues from the past but reflect and learn from the effect of these events.
Firstly, you need to identify your most significant life events and write these down in chronological order. After this, you need to think about what impact these events had on you as a person; this deep reflection might take time. You can think about these events and their impacts to see what insights you can find from them; how can you use it in your decision making. Ask yourself why these events are so important to me.
I found this exercise challenging at times, especially reflecting on certain life events and their impacts on my life. At times, it was a very emotional journey to complete the task, but I feel since it is done, I have a much better understanding of why I do certain things, how I interact or don’t interact with people.
I have used their table format for my self-reflection, which I have amended to use for the webpage and will give detailed reflections for each element probably in later blogs. Here is my completed table with some details. So here it comes;
Part 1 - Life events chart
In part 1, you need to look through the different events in your life and think about its impact on you.
Event, Age, Impact
You are just a girl, not much use, Age 6, Feeling I am not good enough.
Spending lots of time with my nana as a child as my parents were working hard,
Age 4-11, Listening to stories from the wars.
Playing with my cousins, growing up with boys, Age 5-11, Fights, being a tomboy, fun
Building the weekend house with my dad, Age 12-15, Girls can do this as well.
Coeliac diagnosis; It will be very difficult to have children, Age 16, Survival, my family being there
Parties in the weekend house, Age 16-21, Responsibility, freedom, friendship
Starting the chemistry degree, a guided decision, Age 19, Being out of my comfort zone
Failing the chemistry degree, relationship breakdown, first major anxiety attack, Age 19, Mum is there for me, pub chats, hospital stay, I need to face my father
Temp job as a translator, meeting new people, feeling useful, marketing job, Age 20, Job experiences
Starting my BA Andragogy, Age 20, I will prove I can do this.
My father’s cancer diagnosis & death, Age 22, The muse is lost forever.
Meeting my future husband, Age 22, What a wonderful person.
Moving to the UK, Age 22, The whole new world
Here, wash this as well... Age 22, Multiple cleaning jobs.
Winning 3rd place at the national student conference for my research, Age 23, Hard work and recognition
Finishing my degree, Age 23, I can do this.
I find out I am pregnant, can’t continue my MA in Andragogy, Age 24, It is possible, but also impossible
2 of my friends commits suicide, Age 24, How this could happen?
Birth of Erin, Age 25, Little human, happiness, trauma birth
Postnatal depression, being in a very dark place, Age 26, I can't do this.
My uncle dies in a heart attack, Age 26, Another great person left us...
Being appreciated in my child protection job, Age 27, I can do this, confidence
My dad’s mother dies, Age 27, Feeling sorry for her
Starting to work for the police, doing something meaningful and being appreciated, Age 28, What a great journey
Endometriosis diagnosis, Age 28, Being in pain all the time p
My mum’s sudden death, Age 28, What is happening? Bereavement
Dealing with grief, Age 28, The Cruse Bereavement Journey
Getting married, Age 29, Sees the day
My nana passes away, Age 29, Another legend is gone
You are not good enough; you are just a foreigner, Age 29, Confidence rocked
Anxiety, intrusive thoughts, OCD diagnosis, CBT therapy, Age 29, Am I dangerous?
Buying our first house, getting a cat, Age 30, Roxy is a working cat
Starting my MSc in HRM with Open University, Age 31, Proud and happy
Dealing with anxiety due to Brexit, uncertainty, COVID, CBT therapy, Age 32, You just need to stop worrying...
Creation of 'My Learning Journey', Age 32, I have a lot to give
Part 2
In Part 2, you have a few reflective questions to go through as per below; you can think about how people and events influenced your life decisions. The key here is to be honest with yourself and put the work in.
What or who influenced the decisions you have made?
The first most significant influence was my dad’s mum. She never really accepted me as I was ‘just’ a girl and I am not much use. Girls are useless. These were her words. I was around 6 when I went to see her for something when she told me her views about girls. I remember, for a long time, I was so desperate to please her, I wanted to be good enough for her. I wanted to be just as useful as a boy, I learned everything I could from my dad about boy stuff, fixing things, building things, being strong. I had to realise quickly, well relatively quickly during a few years that I will never be enough in her eye. I detested her for a long time; my feelings from looking for affection slowly turned into resentment and, after a while into something neutral. Reflecting on this experience, I feel pity for this poor woman, I don’t feel resentment towards her anymore. Something to be thankful for, her attitude towards me made me even more resilient, someone who wants to prove that I am good enough, even though I am just a girl. In hindsight, she contributed towards my drive.
4 years ago, something similar happened, when I was told, I am not good enough because I am ‘just’ a foreigner. I felt disappointed and hurt because the comment came from someone I looked up to, but soon after, it started to fuel my drive even more.
As a member of CMI, I participated in the CMI mentoring scheme. I had a mentor from the Midlands. He had an interesting take on being ‘Just a…’. He introduced me to Matt Syed Rebel Ideas book and made me think about diversity in a very different way. Following these mentoring sessions, my passion for learning surfaced again and pushed the ‘I will prove it to you’ mindset in the background. I started to enjoy challenges again on a new level; the anger turned back into a passion.
I had many influences in my life, many great people supported me or hindered me.
Many things happened in my life, but the above events are probably something others can benefit from reading about.
What themes or patterns in your career or life to date can you identify?
It looks like I am going back to my original passion in terms of teaching, training, something I enjoy. I also noticed that I have difficulties in situations that remind me of ‘you are just a…’ experiences from my past. These are deep down probably not worked through 100% yet, but reflecting on these and understanding that they might be posing issues in the future is a big step forward.
What do these themes or patterns tell you?
There need to be some work done on these. Understanding self is a life's work, but I am moving in the right direction.
How much control do you feel you have had over your life?
I feel pretty much in the driving seat when it comes to my life. Earth Mother (my old teacher) used to say; destiny is giving you challenges because she knows you can deal with them. I am not sure I believe in destiny, but it is great to know that people have faith in my abilities.
Do your past experiences reveal anything about your personal qualities, attitudes or ambitions – if so, what?
I need to be more open to people and not let my past bad experiences influence my views so much. I am a lot less judgemental, but there is still room for improvement. I was bought up to be hard-working, a workhorse as my nana used to say; 'we are workhorses my love'. If I enjoy the work, I am like a dog with a bone. The drivers coming from my childhood are around; be strong, hurry up, and be perfect (Kahler Drivers, 1975). These are guiding some of my behaviours and decisions.
What has helped you most during the difficult times of your life?
It is knowing that tomorrow will be a better day. My family always told me; you are the kind of person who survives on the back of an iceberg, and that is my motto in my life, no matter what, I will make it work. This inner strength is there in everybody, just sometimes tricky to find it as it is buried under lots of debris from the past.
What sort of things has motivated or demotivated you?
Learning always motivated me as well as helping others. Unfairness demotivates me a lot. If people don’t pull their weight and are opinionated to the point that it is damaging relationships. These can demotivate me. I like a good debate, but only if all parties can debate well and open to listen to other perspectives.
My question to you;
What can you identify from your life events which are affecting you as a person?
What can you learn from reflecting on your life events?
You can find further information about this exercise and other useful tools in Jones and Gorell’s book; 50 Top Tools for Coaching by Gillian Jones and Ro Gorell, Kogan Pages, 2009.
Useful links
CMI mentoring: https://www.managers.org.uk/community/management-mentoring/
CIPD Step Ahead Mentoring: https://www.cipd.co.uk/learn/volunteer/mentoring/steps-ahead
CIPD Member to member mentoring: https://www.cipd.co.uk/learn/volunteer/mentoring/member-to-member#:~:text=The%20CIPD%20Mentoring%20Programme%20is%20a%20member-to-member%20mentoring,in%20the%20form%20of%20videos%2C%20workbooks%20and%20webinars.
Cruse Bereavement - https://www.cruse.org.uk/
Photo reference: Photo by Elly Fairytale from Pexels
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